Angel fans, I share your pain. Losing out on Carl Crawford was a vicious blow to the baseball stomach. Even though he jilted the Halos a week ago now, the pain hasn’t even begun to subside. In fact, things only seem to be getting more excruciating for the Halo faithful as we are all now forced to to wait… and wait… and wait… and wait… and wait… for the Angels to finally step up to the plate and make some sort of big move this off-season. I’d like to tell you when the wait will come to an end and put us out of our collective misery, but the best I can do for now is give you ten things you can do to at least take your mind of all the agonizing anticipation.
Tony Reagins actually does know how to use a phone! Who knew?!?!
- Find Michael Jackson’s old doctor and have him dope you up on propofol so that you can just sleep until mid-February. The Halos are bound to have done something in the next two months, but for you it will seem like just one night. And don’t worry about that whole potential “accidental death” side effect. I’m sure Dr. Murray has figured out the proper way to give the drug by now.
- Read the transcripts from the McCourt divorce proceedings. By the time you are done, you’ll think that Arte Moreno is the greatest owner in baseball and you won’t care if they ever sign an impact free agent ever again.
- Get the contact information for all remaining free agent left-handed relievers and send them a fake e-mail from the Angels stating that they are in no way interested in signing them. This is really just a precautionary move since Tony Reagins seems to be compelled to sign a southpaw middle reliever once a week to distract people from the fact that he hasn’t done anything to improve the lineup. Once all the lefty relievers refuse to take his calls, Reagins will have no choice but to actually make a real “big splash.”
- Take a long hard look at Alfonso Soriano’s annual salaries the last few years and compare that to his actual production and the win totals of the Cubs. Let’s not forget that Soriano was the last big name free agent outfielder that the Halos “missed out” on. I think that one worked out pretty well.
- Buy MLB 2K10 for whichever video game system you own, adjust the roster to put Carl Crawford on the Angels and then simulate a few seasons to see what it would have been like had the Halos gotten him. Then, just as the depression sets in, slam yourself in the face with a snow shovel. Repeat this process until you build up a mental aversion to the idea of Crawford being an Angel, thus training you to reflexively believe that the Angels getting him would have been a painful experience. I think that will work, although i should point out that I only got a C+ in my freshman psychology class.
- Call your mother. It’s the holidays and you know you don’t talk to her nearly enough. She gave you life, the least you could do is have a ten minute phone conversation with her now that you have nothing better to do.
- Watch all of those “It Gets Better” public service announcements, but instead of them talking about gay kids and nerds being bullied, pretend that they’re talking about the other 28 teams in baseball always getting bullied by the Yankees and Red Sox and their seemingly endless supply of cash. It gets better.
- Go on Twitter and complain every five minutes about the Angels lack of moves. Wait, I think everyone is doing that already.
- Get your Christmas wrapping done early this year. C’mon guys, don’t kid yourselves. Everyone knows men always wait until the last minute to wrap their Christmas gifts. Save yourself the 2 am wrapping session on Christmas Eve and do it all now.
- Two words: TRON Legacy. Tell me that movie doesn’t look awesome. I dare you.