With the Angels desperately clinging to their shrinking playoff hopes, life as an Angel fan hasn’t been easy the last few weeks. In fact, rooting for this team as the season nears its end can be a full-time job. To give you an idea of just how hectic and mind-bending this existence can be, here is what I believe to be a day in the life of the standard Angel fan:
7:00 AM – Wake up.
7:01 AM – Check scores from last night to make sure you didn’t incorrectly remember that the Rangers won AGAIN.
7:02 AM – Nope, Rangers definitely won. Commence muttering to yourself about how they never freaking lose.
7:15 AM – Cease muttering.
7:16 AM – Shower, shave and eat breakfast.
7:45 AM – Leave for work while listening to ESPN Baseball Today podcast in your car. Complain about how they never talk about the Angels and just assume the Rangers will win the AL West. Kittens die.
8:15 AM – Arrive at work, sit down at desk and immediately go to MLB.com to look at the pitching probables for the remainder of the season. Using this information, attempt to predict the outcome of every remaining game for the rest of the season for the Angels, Rangers, Red Sox and Rays.
8:37 AM – Re-do the predictions you just finished because for some reason the Angels didn’t win the AL West. That can’t be right.
8:52 AM – Just for fun, re-do the predictions one more time so that both the Angels and Rays make the playoffs while the Rangers and Red Sox don’t.
8:58 AM – Realize the last exercise made you so happy that you laughed out loud and now all your co-workers are staring at you.
9:20 AM – Go to kitchen to get coffee.
9:25 AM – On the way back from the kitchen, stop by the desk of that one douchey guy who claims to love the Red Sox even though he still thinks Manny Ramirez plays for the team yet won’t shut up about how the Sox “own” the Angels every time he sees you.
9:26 AM – Pour your coffee into his keyboard for the 17th day in a row.
9:27 AM – Go get more coffee.
9:30 AM – Check the latest playoff odds at BaseballProspectus.com only to spend the next 45 minutes crafting a nasty e-mail to them wondering why everyone with a calculator seems to hate the Angels even though they ALWAYS win more games than the nerds’ calculations say the will.
10:15 AM – Realize you are a software engineer, delete the e-mail and spend the next hour wallowing in self-loathing.
11:15 AM – Do some actual work.
12:00 PM – Head out to go buy lunch. Avoid Del Taco because it reminds you too much of Tony Reagins.
1:00 PM – Return from lunch break and do more actual work.
1:10 PM – Get bored of actual work.
1:11 PM – Go to favorite Angel blog/message board to argue with other Angel fans about whether or not Vernon Wells is the worst player in baseball or the worst player in all of professional sports.
1:55 PM – Change topic from Wells to concocting various overly-complicated trade scenarios that have no chance of happening in the real world that allow the Angels to unload Bobby Abreu’s salary and return an actual player of value.
2:30 PM – Day dream of Vernon Wells realizing that “it isn’t just society” and opting out of the rest of his contract.
3:30 PM – Go on Twitter to see if anyone has posted today’s starting lineup yet.
3:32 PM – Having found the lineup, fire off seventeen angry tweets because Mike Trout is NOT in the lineup.
3:39 PM – Send out 24 more angry tweets because Jeff Mathis IS in the lineup.
4:10 PM – Pull up MLB.TV feed of Red Sox on your monitor, looking over your shoulder every six seconds to make sure your boss isn’t walking by.
5:00 PM – Leave work feeling somewhat optimistic because the Red Sox are losing and just had another player get hurt.
5:28 PM – Throw cell phone out car window after a score alert pops up that says the Rangers are already leading 4-0 in the bottom of the first.
5:45 PM – Return home for dinner and quality time with the family.
6:59 PM – Completely ignore and avoid the family, the Angels game is about to start.
7:09 PM – Try and contain enthusiasm that this will be the game that the Angels finally take an early lead and cruise to a comfortable victory, putting pressure on the Rangers to win later on in the day.
7:14 PM - Pick up pieces of shattered remote control after you threw after the Angels went down 1-2-3 in the first inning for the 23rd straight game.
7:51 PM – Vernon Wells grounds out weakly with runners in scoring position. Eat a handful of Tums to soothe aggravated ulcer.
8:18 PM – Jeff Mathis is batting, time to go get another beer. No need to pause the DVR, you won’t miss anything.
8:23 PM – Between innings, check Red Sox score, realize they somehow won. Punch self in face.
8:24 PM – Notice Rangers won as well. Repeat previous step.
8:47 PM – With the game still tied 0-0, the Angels load the bases with no outs and fail to score a run kicking off a stream of tweets about how “the Angels don’t want it,” as if that actually means something.
9:19 PM – Reflexively curl up into the fetal position as Scioscia makes the call to bullpen. Start crying if Scioscia brings in Fernando Rodney.
9:31 PM – Angels finally get on the board. This either happened via a sacrifice fly or a fielder’s choice.
9:40 PM – Assume the facepalm pose after an Angel infielder who is entirely too nervous commits a critical error that allows the opposing team to tie the game.
9:48 PM – Pull out the stuffed Rally Monkey that you own but pretend that you don’t, hoping it can lead to a miracle.
9:50 PM – Angels pull ahead! Now hide the Rally Monkey again before any of your friends find it.
9:53 PM – Hold breath through first batter as you determine whether or not good Walden or bad Walden will be trying for the save tonight.
10:04 PM – Scream “Light up that Halo!” as Walden completes the save.
10:05 PM – Sheepishly apologize to wife for waking up the children.
10:09 PM – Bask in afterglow of victory while watching Angels Live post-game show.
10:16 PM – Realize that glow is actually coming from Bill MacDonald’s orange, spray-tanned face.
10:30 PM – Tune into SportsCenter just in time to see highlights of (INSERT CRAPPY TEAM HERE) rolling over for the Rangers.
10:57 PM – Look at Angels’ remaining schedule for the 17th time that day and try and convince yourself they can win out.
10:59 PM – Check Angels’ website in hopes of seeing a story about the team having fired Tony Reagins. No luck.
11:00 PM – Go to bed, disappointed yet still hopeful.
And just for fun, here is the daily schedule of a Red Sox fan:
7:00 AM – Wake up.
7:01 AM – Commence being a self-entitled, foul-mouthed douchebag.
11:00 PM – Go to sleep.
And now a Rangers fan:
7:00 AM – Wake up.
7:01 AM – Commence being an over-confident, redneck asshole.
11:00 PM – Go to sleep.
And finally, a Rays fan:
File not found! Sorry, that file could not be found on account of Rays fans not existing. Please try again in 15 years when the franchise has moved to a city that actually cares about baseball.