Top Ten Thursday: Ways to Fix Vernon Wells

His extra innings single (woo!) was a good start last night, but Vernon Wells still has a long way to go before we consider him fixed.  Here are ten “helpful” suggestions that should get the embattled slugger back on track.

Vernon Wells Press Conference

This press conference going to be awkward.

  1. Maybe he misses Canada?  Maybe they need to change the post-game spread to include standard Canadian cuisine like flapjacks, Caribou meat and LaBatt Blue.
  2. Just do what we all do when our computer isn’t working right, kick it real hard and swear at it for a few hours.  Works every time.
  3. Drop him in the order until he figures it out, that way he doesn’t keep dragging the lineup down.  Oh, wait, sorry.  These suggestions are supposed to be funny, not make an astounding amount of logic and sense.  My bad.
  4. Give him a made up injury and put him on the disabled list for a little bit.  If it is good enough for Scott Kazmir, it is good enough for Wells too.
  5. I hear waterboarding works pretty well for the US intelligence services.  That’s got to be worth a shot, right?  Geneva Convention be damned!
  6. The Angels hired a team psychologist this off-season and I am pretty sure this would be a good use for that new hire.  Maybe if he cries it out a little bit with a shrink he could get back on track.  If all else fails, I think we have to seriously consider a  lobotomy.
  7. Remember in that movie “The Fan” where Wesley Snipes’ character was struggling after joining his new team?  He tries to reverse his luck by wearing his old team’s uniform under his new jersey.  I don’t know if it will work, but I think we can all agree to look the other way if Vernon wants to give it a try.
  8. I hear Jamba Juice has a new supplement they can mix into their smoothies, it is called HGH.  I’m not sure how legal it is, but I hear it tastes pretty good.  Or at least that is what Gary Matthews Jr. told me.
  9. Just trade him away.  I’m sure nobody will have a problem with taking him and his contract off our hands… dammit!!!!!!
  10. Tell him if he doesn’t get his average over .250 by the end of the month, he’ll have to start wearing Vernon Wells‘ (the actor) costume from Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior  during games.

Vernon Wells Road Warrior

If this doesn’t motivate Vernon to hit, I don’t know what will.

Garrett Wilson

About Garrett Wilson

Garrett Wilson is the founder and Supreme Overlord of and editor at The Outside Corner. He's an Ivy League graduate, but not from one of the impressive ones. You shouldn't make him angry. You wouldn't like him when he is angry.