We now interrupt your round-the-clock coverage of Albert Pujols taking batting practice at training camp to bring you this very important distraction.
I have to be honest, I’ve been so bogged down providing roster analysis and player profiles for the last several weeks that I feel the need to shake things up a bit. This will probably be the least important thing you read about the Angels all week, but hopefully you’ll get a kick out of it.
While doing all the thoughtful research for the aforementioned analysis this whole month, I’ve obviously had to do internet searches for alll the Angels players. In so doing, I’ve continually stumbled across the secret alter egos of some of the Angel players. OK, we aren’t exactly talking about Superman and Clark Kent here, but in several cases, players on the Angel roster turn out to have other famous people out there that share the same name.
For example, the outfielder you know as Vernon Wells was also an accomplished movie villain in the 1980’s? Check out that picture to the left. That’s the “other” Vernon Wells. I’m pretty sure that he might be a better hitter than our Vernon Wells. At a minimum, the mohawk and shoulder pads should make him pretty intimidating. But you’ve probably seen this joke before. Let’s take a look at some of the lesser known alter egos of the Angel roster.
Rich Thompson. You know him as the under-utilized middle reliever from a land down under. Whereas some obsessive Royals fan knows Rich Thompson to be an outfielder that had a cup of coffee with the club back in 2004.
Brad Mills is the lefty that will go down in Angel lore as the player acquired for Jeff Mathis. Or, he could be the manager of the Houston Astros (until he gets fired after this season) or a forward for the New Jersey Devils (not that anyone watches hockey).
Not a fan of Trevor Bell the pitcher? Perhaps you might enjoy the work of Trevor Bell the British abstract painter?
The fifth starter job should go to Jerome Williams. If he works as hard as retired NBA forward Jerome Williams, aka the Junkyard Dog, did during his playing days, he should win the job easily. If he doesn’t, at least the Angels’ Jerome can take solace in the fact that he is the better looking of the two.
Bobby Wilson is likely to be toiling in anonymity as the Angels back-up catcher this season. He should probably be used to that because there are several more famous Bobby Wilsons in the world.
We all know that Christopher John “CJ” Wilson has a bunch of hobbies. Some say it is because he is an overambitious hipster d-bag. I say it is because he searched himself on Wikipedia one day and now thinks he has to do all the things the other Chris Wilsons do.
Most famously, we have Howie Kendrick who is often confused with “the other Howard” from Howard’s Superstores. (Sorry, I kind of hate myself for that one)
To find more alter egos we have to dig a little deeper, going off the big league roster. The headliner of this group is Francisco Rodriguez, aka Wolviriguez, not Francisco Rodriguez, aka K-Rod, aka Father-in-Law Beater.
If 3B prospect Luis Jimenez can’t break into the majors due to his lack of patience at the plate, he can always try and fall back on his innate skill as a sculptor. Hopefully he will be a little more wary of falling sculptures.
As Lucho showed us, life can be truly dangerous for an alter ego. But sometimes it is the alter ego who is providing the danger. Is David Carpenter a relief prospect for the Angels? Or is he a serial rapist and murderer? (LEGAL NOTE: He’s a relief prospect, please don’t sue me)
As terrifying as Carpenter might be, nobody strikes more fear in the hearts of men than OF prospect Matt Long. He would have you believe that he is playing for the Inland Empire 66ers, but we all know he is secretly working as an actor in Hollywood on such films as Ghost Rider. Have you seen that movie? It is THE WORST! And yet somehow it got a sequel made. If that is what qualifies as entertainment these days, then it is no wonder we have culture war on our hands (or so the Repulican presidential contenders keep telling me). I can’t sleep at night knowing that hunk of crap movie (based on a pretty lame comic book character, I might add) might actually spawn a trilogy.
Well, that went off the rails pretty fast, didn’t it? I think I’m done with this now and I suspect most of the readers were done with this after the stupid Howie Kendrick joke.