Mike Trout’s fatal weakness

"Once we know our weaknesses they cease to do us any harm." -Georg C. Lichtenberg

It is safe to say Mike Trout is the hottest rookie sensation since Tim Salmon to grace the Big A. Everyone from Sports Illustrated to Vogue wants a piece of Trout, and who can blame them? The numbers he’s put up this season not only have him in contention for Rookie of the Year, but whispers are flying that an MVP award may be on it’s way to Anaheim. The accolades are not unwarranted. Trout plays the game with the grace of Michael Phelps doing aqua-robics, and the strength of a fully performance enhanced Jose Canseco.

Which is why, as fans, we need to stop being awed by Trout’s strengths and start looking for his weaknesses.

You can bet that teams around the league are watching tapes. They are studying, researching, investigating every minute muscle movement that might betray an Achilles’ heel in Mike Trout. The stats suggest there are no such vulnerabilities. Trout is amongst the top 5 in the league in batting average, runs, and stolen bases. He has also made respectable showings in the RBI and homerun categories. He’s a full-grown stud, 6’1” 210lbs out of Millville, New Jersey.

…Mother of god, we’ve found it. It was there all along right under our noses! Trout’s fatal weakness: He’s a Jersey boy.

The jig is up. Now everyone knows. All an opposing team has to do is play some LMFAO, Ke$ha, or Lil Jon and Mike Trout will be powerless as his genetic makeup forces him to perform the traditional Jersey fist bump club dance into perpetuity. Truthfully, it’s surprising that Mike Scioscia’s penchant for Italian food hasn’t caused Trout to turn into a full blown Jersey Guido off of the smell of marinara alone.

We as fans must take action immediately. We can’t trust the Angels office or coaching staff to take care of this one. They have their hands full as it is. We’ve got this. We have to engrain so much Southern California into Trumbo that he can overcome the handicaps of his birth. Right of the bat, Trout requires annual passes to both Disneyland AND California Adventure. On the way to buy the passes, his driver is required to stop at either a taqueria or a pho noodle joint for lunch. After getting his passes, he is to be immediately whisked to Huntington Beach for an afternoon downtown. As the sun sets, Mike should enjoy margaritas at Freds and watch in amusement as the bar rats start to scurry out of their rented condos and into the brightly lit downtown bars. To cap the day off, Trout should get a questionable traffic ticket in Brea and make a dinner stop at In-N-Out for a double-double burger and animal-style french fry feast. If that much SoCal in that short of a time doesn’t turn Trout into a west coast boy, there’s not a lot that will.

Should you choose to take it upon yourself to bring young Michael on this trip, be warned: He is to be warned away from the uncounted number of tanning parlors. If he attains the traditional bright orange color of the Jerseyans. We’ll have lost him for good.

Mike Tan

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