Other things found underneath Arte Moreno’s mattress

The cat is out of the bag, ladies and gentlemen.  Thanks to the Josh Hamilton singing and Torii Hunter's big mouth, the secret to Arte's success in business and finances has been revealed.

Man, those are tough words.  It must also make for a tough bed to sleep on too.  Can you imagine how lumpy that thing must be with $125 million in cash stuffed under it?  And it must be impossible to find all the dirty magazines every man hides under the bed amdist all those loose $100 bills. Fortunately, our crack investigative staff here at MWAH is one the case and we've discovered all the other things that Arte has been secretly stashing under his mattress all these years.

  1. Jason Vargas plus another $2.5 million – Boy, if you thought Torii was mad before, I'd hate to see what catty thing he is going to tweet and then immediately backpedal on once he finds out that Moreno somehow found a way to pull Vargas out from under his mattress.  And let's not forget that Arte must've also found another $2.5 million in loose change too since the Halos are taking on salary with Vargas.  Hmm, that $2.5 million might've even been just enough to make a more competitive offer to Torii too.  Awkward.
  2. Alexi Amarista – Last we heard of him, he had been traded to the Padres, but the poor, tiny little guy just slipped in between the cracks and was never seen again.
  3. Top secret blueprints for a stadium in downtown Los Angeles – Oops!  I forgot that we are all supposed to pretend like that might not actually happen.  Forget I said anything.  Hey… what is this red laser dot in the middle of my forehea-
  4. The real "correct" Mayan calendar – I don't want to leak any spoilers or anything, but I wouldn't make any plans for June 14th, 2017.
  5. Jered Weaver's lost velocity – Unfortunately, Arte lost the instruction manual, so he has no idea how to re-install it.  Sigh.
  6. The rights to "Build Me Up Buttercup" – You didn't think the Angels play that every game because they like the song, did you?  Royalties, my friend, royalties.
  7. The incriminating photos of Mike Scioscia that Jeff Mathis had been blackmailing Sosh with all those years – Which is why Arte only had $125 million under his mattress instead of $225 million.
  8. Albert Pujols' long form birth certificate – And, no, you can NOT see it.  Not even you, Donald Trump.
  9. The disemboweled corpse of Tony Reagins – Presumably it is embalmed so that Arte can sleep at night without the stench of a decaying human body stinking up what I am sure is a palatial bedroom.  It seems like a bizarre souvenir to keep, but Moreno likes to keep it stashed away there to show to Jerry Dipoto what happened to the last guy that didn't go out and sign the big money free agent that Arte wanted.
Garrett Wilson

About Garrett Wilson

Garrett Wilson is the founder and Supreme Overlord of Monkeywithahalo.com and editor at The Outside Corner. He's an Ivy League graduate, but not from one of the impressive ones. You shouldn't make him angry. You wouldn't like him when he is angry.