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Angels’ New Year’s Resolutions

With the new year off to a jump-start, the gyms are packed, the e-cigarettes are flying off the shelves and self-improvement is on everyone’s mind. Every new year brings a clean slate. It can be seen as a 365-day chance for people to re-evaluate and improve themselves. Professional athletes are no exception. Far from it, the pinnacle of human ability is only achieved by continuing to refine and improve one’s mental and physical well being. If Angels players haven’t given any consideration to their New Year’s resolutions, perhaps some suggestions are in order.

Joe Blanton, for example, may wish to consider the most time-honored of resolutions. Blanton is the most zoftig pitcher in the Angels rotation since Cy Young award winner Bartolo Colon. With corpulent masses the world over taking up jogging and saying “no” to dessert, Blanton would have millions of people to help him hold accountable as he drops a few pounds. Who knows? Should he slim down enough, he may build speed, With that speed, he may be counted on to burn the basepaths in interleague play as the very first pitcher-pinch runner hybrid.

Josh Hamilton, the newest high-profile Angel is a very rich man. Although his contract is backloaded, it is still more than enough to share. The Texas colors that ran through his blood until recently may still taint him in the minds of fans. Hamilton’s resolution then, is to embrace the Southern California life and prove himself a true Orange County boy. When CJ Wilson arrived at the Big A, he showed his Anaheim chops by proclaiming his love for Disneyland churros. That’s a good start, but Hamilton is making almost double what Wilson is. So, if Joshua wants to embrace the city and it’s fans, he may wish to purchase a couple hundred-thousand SoCal residents a basic Disneyland annual pass. There, the fans’ only responsibility will be to share Wilson’s beloved churros with Hamilton, fully ingraining him into SoCal culture and shaking off any of the dust that may have been leftover from his time in Arlington.

Speaking of Texas, UT alumnus Vernon Wells is another several-million-dollar man in need of direction. Vernon does his level best to live up to his far-too-large contract. He’s the first to tell you he’s overpaid and he’s willing to bust his ass in the gym to live up to expectations. However, maybe it’s not Vernon’s body that needs strengthening, but his spirit. Many make a resolution to give more to charity. Wells took charity a step further by founding the Perfect 10 Charity to help single mothers and children in need. How much more can one man do? The idea for this charitable donation is a little bit different. Vernon’s resolution is a donation of sorts. The suggestion is that he take half (or more) of his contract earnings, and donate them to the “Help Arte Moreno Pull His Head Out Of His Ass And Sign A Mike Trout Extension” fund. If the Torii Hunter/Josh Hamilton outfielder swap showed us anything, it’s that Arte Moreno is not afraid to spend money, as long as it comes out of someone else’s pocket, and Vernon’s pockets are deep indeed.

Speaking of Mike Trout, what might his resolution be? The answer is simple: He doesn’t need to make New Year’s resolutions. If anything, 2013 should get ready to make itself greater just to keep up.

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