Cooney-Bio[1]

Little known (and completely false) facts about the 2013 LA Angels draft class

The best part of the amateur draft is that we fans get all sorts of new toys to play with. Our favorite team drafts nearly 40 new prospects for us to dream on. The problem is that the draft is such a murky thing that we really know nothing about these guys. I intend to fix that.

No, I don't actually have information on the new players, but that isn't going to stop me. Instead, I am just going to arbitrarily assign backstories to each guy so that they will always have a special place in our memories even if they don't pan out. Why? Because why not, that's why!

Round 2 (#59) – Hunter Green, LHP, Warren East HS: A first round talent that fell to #59 because he takes his first name too literally and only hunts "the most dangerous game."

Round 3 (#95) – Keynan Middleton, RHP, Lane CC: He is the fifth cousin four times removed of Princess Kate Middleton. As such, if there is ever a horrible explosion during a picture of the extended royal family, Keynan could find himself the unlikely new monarch of Great Britain. (Yep, that's right a King Ralph joke in 2013. What are you gonna do about it?)

Round 4 (#127) – Elliot Morris, RHP, Pierce College: His nickname since childhood is "Weenie the Poo." Do NOT ask him why.

Round 5 (#157) – Kyle McGowin, RHP, Savannah State: Plans on using his signing bonus to start an alpaca farm.

Round 6 (#187) – Harrison Cooney, RHP, Florida Gulf Coast: In his contract negotiations, he insisted that he be allowed to enter the game on a Segway whenever he gets called in from the bullpen.

Round 7 (#217) – Garrett Nuss, RHP, Seminole State: Due to his first name, he is clearly destined for greatness. That's just good science talking.

Round 8 (#247) – Nate Smith, LHP, Furman University: Communicates with dead people, but only people who died in unfortunate luge accidents.

Round 9 (#277) – Stephen McGee, C, Florida State: Had a small role in the unreleased sequel to Snakes on a Plane. He played "Blue Krait #4."

Round 10 (#307) – Grant Gordon, RHP, Missouri State: Caught Tebowmania, had to be placed on life support for three weeks.

Round 11 (#337) – Jonah Wesely, LHP, Tracy HS: Has a pet raccoon named Carl Von Cuddlestripes.

Round 12 (#367) – Blake Goins, RHP, Pearland HS: The Angels agonized over this pick because they weren't sure if they wanted to pick Brad Cummins instead. Yep, they didn't know if they were Cummins or Goins. (Hello? Is this thing on? Take my wife, please!)

Round 13 (#397) – Angel Rosa, SS, Alcorn State: The Angel scouting department has no idea if he is any good but they are legally required to pick one guy named Angel in every draft.

Round 14 (#427) – Riley Good, CF, University of Texas – San Antonio: After being taken in the 14th round, Riley Good was legally obligated to change his name to Riley Fringe-Average.

Round 15 (#457) – Chad Hinshaw, CF, Illinois State: Stayed in school so he could finish his senior thesis on how The Jersey Shore and its impact on foreign economic relations.

Round 16 (#487) – Ryan Etsell, RHP, Hillsborough CC: Considers Ke$ha to be his personal lord and savior.

Round 17 (#517) – Cal Towey, 3B, Baylor: Still knows what your did last summer.

Round 18 (#547) – Garrett Cannizaro, 3B, Tulane: Another Garrett? This is the greatest draft class of all time! How is everyone not writing about this!!!

Round 19 (#577) – Cole Swanson, LHP, Concordia University: His fallback career plan if baseball doesn't work out is to become a Libertarian that works a government job, just like his uncle Ron.

Round 20 (#607) – Brian Loconsole, RHP, Western Illinois: Speaks fluent Klingon and his Elvish is also strong, but he needs to work on his accent.

Round 21 (#637) – Alex Allbritton, SS, New Mexico: Was the only student body president to ever deliver on his promises of "no more homework" and "free soda in the cafeteria." The Democrats are already grooming him for a Presidential run in 2036.

Round 22 (#667) – Trevor Foss, RHP, Texas A&M – Corpus Christi: Claims to have seen both Bigfoot and a chupacabra, at the same time, at a Waffle House.

Round 23 (#697) – Matt Hernandez, LHP, Houston: One of the top purveyors of Brony fan fiction writing under the pen name Twinkle Bottom.

Round 24 (#727) – Mark Shannon, CF, UNLV: Has never lost a game of Words With Friends.

Round 25 (#757) – Alan Busenitz, RHP, Kennesaw State: Was a two-sport star at Kennesaw State. The other sport? Extreme badminton.

Round 26 (#787) – Jon Pellant, SS, Ohio State: A devout Catholic, thought he literally died and went to heaven when he was told he was drafted by the Angels.

Round 27 (#817) – Nathan Goro, SS, Oral Roberts: He contract signing is expected to be delayed as MLB is still trying to determine how many of his four arms he is allowed to wear a glove on.

Round 28 (#847) – Miguel Hermosillo, CF, Ottawa Township HS: A pariah in his hometown because he insists that Ottawa is a village and not a township.

Round 29 (#877) – Michael Smith, RHP, Dallas Baptist: Not actually into baseball, just wanted to be a minor leaguer as a convenient excuse for him eating Chipotle for every meal.

Round 30 (#907) – Cambric Moye, C, UNC – Greensboro: An anagram of his name is My Mice Cobra, which is totally rad.

Round 31 (#937) – Taylor Johnson, RF, Furman University: Enrolled in Furman University under the mistaken belief that it was a college only for people who engage in the "furry" lifestyle.

Round 32 (#967) – Michael Fish, CF, Siena College: Immediately ranked in Baseball America's Top 25 prospects due entirely to the Angels' successful history with outfielders with ichthyological surnames

Round 33 (#997) – Colin O'Keefe, LHP, Virginia Tech: He has a 30 grade breaking ball but an 80 grade for painting flowers that look like female reproductive organs. The weird part is that he doesn't even know who Georgia O'Keefe is.

Round 34 (#1027) – Eric Aguilera, RF, Illinois State: Has a giant tattoo of Snuffleupagus across his entire chest.

Round 35 (#1057) – Eric Weiss, C, Texas A&M – Corpus Christi: Son of former major leaguer Gary Weiss. Eric has never heard of him either.

Round 36 (#1087) – Brandon Bayardi, LF, UNLV: Banned from all the Las Vegas casinos because he insisted that all the poker tables were strip poker tables.

Round 37 (#1117) – Alexander Blackford, RHP, Arizona State: Drives a white Hyundai, fails to see the irony.

Round 38 (#1147) – Clint Sharp, RHP, University of Texas- San Antonio: Punctuates every strikeout he registers with his catchphrase, "That's a K-Sharp!"

Round 39 (#1177) – Dan Tobik, RHP, University of Tennessee – Martin: He doesn't know it yet, but he wasn't drafted as a pitcher, Apparently head groundskeeper Barney Lopas thinks he has a huge potential as a big league lawnmower.

Round 40 (#1207) – Ben Carlson, RHP, Furman University: Is actually Amish, so nobody has been able to get in contact with him yet to inform him that he has been drafted.

Garrett Wilson

About Garrett Wilson

Garrett Wilson is the Supreme Overlord of Monkeywithahalo.com and editor at The Outside Corner. He's an Ivy League graduate, but not from one of the impressive ones. You shouldn't make him angry. You wouldn't like him when he is angry.

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