Ladies and gentlemen, I am here to investigate some very grievous charges that have been levied against the 2015 Angels. During their recent losing spree, very serious accusations of playing with no heart, aggravated gutlessness, premeditated lack of urgency and, worst of all, conspiracy to not care have been made by fans and players alike. We here at Monkey with a Halo take these allegations very seriously and vow to get to the bottom of the situation and make a determination about their veracity. The public demands to know: do the Angels care?
Determining whether or not a team has heart would seem like an easy task. Alas, we lack access to medical records thanks to privacy laws. THANKS, OBAMA!
As a result, we’ll have to resort to more crude methods of assessing the presence of a heart. Fortunately, I have the ability to divine this from words, words like those screamed by Jered Weaver during Tuesday’s win when he yelled at Mike Trout and Kole Calhoun for their lack or urgency in communicating who would catch a flyball, resulting in a double. While we didn’t hear the tirade that gross display of not caring triggered, Jered Weaver did explain it after the fact, on the record:
“It wasn’t directed toward the guys in the outfield at all,’ Weaver said. “It was just more trying to get the guys fired up, trying to get guys motivated. I haven’t really been that vocal this year. It’s been obviously not the way I wanted my season to go.
You know what that translates to? A team with no heart. Teams with a heart wouldn’t need to be yelled at to know how to catch a flyball. A common misconception in baseball is that you catch with your glove, but those who follow the game closely know you catch with your heart.
Did Trout or Calhoun catch the ball? No. Therefore, no heart!
Compounding their guilt is the way the Angels responded to this rant. Oh, sure, they came back from that reckless heartlessness to win the game, but these tin men showed up the very next game to get one-hit by Justin Verlander. Their brief display of heart the game before was just window dressing. Weaver knew that, which is why he admitted the team needed to be “fired up.” Brave, intelligent fans could also see right through the charade:
— Sean (@AngelsFan34) August 27, 2015
That one-hit effort is the proof in the pudding. Again, we are faced with a common misconception. The Angel bats only managed one hit, but that’s because we assume that you hit with your bat. Wrong again! You hit with your heart! In fact, if you have enough heart, you don’t even need any baseball equipment at all. You probably don’t even need to wear a uniform.
— Thomas White (@calangels72) August 23, 2015
Now the situation is getting serious. This has to be the most damning piece of evidence there is. It was all there for the world to see. The Angels spent three games getting thoroughly trounced by the Toronto Blue Jays right in the Angels’ own home. Oh, sure, you could excuse that as the Angels getting outplayed by a team that simply has more talent. That’s what they want you to think. If you dig a little deeper, it is plainly obvious that Toronto doesn’t have more talent, they have more guts!
As our witness so bravely points out, the Angels failed entirely to “drill” the Blue Jays for their offensive display of quality baseball. Any upstanding member of modern society knows that the appropriate response to facing a team that is outplaying you is physical violence. Clearly the Jays cared more than the Angels about winning those games. Well, an easy way to make them stop caring is by pelting them with baseballs. Who can think about how much they care when they are thinking about how much pain they are in?
Besides, many great thinkers of the last century like Chris Brown and Ike Turner have proven beyond a reasonable doubt that the best way to show other people how much you care is to commit physical assault. But these wimpy Angels didn’t have the guts to deliberately inflict physical harm on their opponent with a beanball, or as I like to call it, a “careball.”
They did, however, hold a closed door meeting after this series sweep. I must admit, having a team meeting to talk about their struggles sounds an awful lot like caring. If they didn’t care, the wouldn’t talk about it, would they?
This is a ruse! Talking things through in a calm and rational manner is exactly what gutless wimps do. Curse them and their soft, harmless words! WE WANT BLOOD! SWEET, SWEET CARING BLOOD!!!
To be perfectly honest, we don’t even need to rely on the evidence and accusations provided by fans of the team. This Angels are clearly guilty as even their own players have confessed to their crimes. Here is what Huston Street had to say when he was interrogated after he was caught red-handed yelling at his teammates the other night:
“There needs to be a sense of urgency,” Street said. “Guys need to feel that, and I wanted people to at least hear it, or feel it, or something. Because it’s time.”
It’s right there! He admits that there is no sense of urgency and we all know that a sense of urgency is a key ingredient to “caring.” CASE CLOSED!
But wait, in the interest of objectivity there is one element that has to be considered. Huston Street was seen live on TV yelling at his teammates. As previously established in Weaver vs. Trout and Calhoun, angry yelling is tantamount to caring. This really muddies the waters.
In fact, after his demands for urgency, the Halos came out the next game and cared their way to five runs in the first inning. But did it last? No!
The Angels didn’t score the rest of the game. It is almost like they were faking it for one inning to throw us off their scent. Which brings me to my next and most crucial piece of evidence.
@nswenso Angels are fading fast…Scioscia looks like he doesn't even care anymore.
— Bob Daigneault (@BobDaigno) August 27, 2015
I don’t know this fine, upstanding citizen, but he is clearly a man who can see the whole picture. This lack of caring isn’t just a natural phenomenon, it is a grand conspiracy and it starts at the top. Mike Scioscia is the man that set this grand scheme in motion.
When the Angels have a bad night, what does he suggest the Angels do? “Turn the page.”
When someone goes into a slump at the plate what does Scioscia call it? “Pressing a little bit.”
Where’s the panic? Where’s the rage? Where’s the chairs being thrown around in the clubhouse? I’ll tell you where, nowhere because Scioscia won’t allow anyone to care. We all know that Scioscia controls everything in the Angels organization right down to the brand of mustard served at the hot dog stand. If he doesn’t want people to care, no one will care!
You’d think nobody would care more than him, but that’s all just part of his master plan. What we are all forgetting is that Mike Scioscia has an opt-out clause in his contract after this season. What he’s really doing is laying the groundwork for his move to the Dodgers after the season by sabotaging the rival Angels. He’ll infect them with heartlessness so that the Dodgers can rule Southern California baseball when he takes them over next year.
Scioscia, you crafty sonuvabitch! You won’t get away with this!!!
Guilty. There is no point in even deliberating. The Angels are as guilty as the day is long. We didn’t even need those points of evidence above because there is one very obvious bit of evidence that makes this case open and shut: 64-62.
That’s the Angels’ record. That’s not a good record, a surefire sign that the team doesn’t care even a little bit.
You know which teams do care? The Astros, Royals, Jays, Cardinals and Pirates. I don’t know very much about those teams, their players, the inner workings of their clubhouses, but I do know that they all have very good records. Wins = caring. This is established science like the healing nanobubbles in that water Russell Wilson drinks and it cannot be disputed.
While their guilt is clear, I’m not here just to condemn the Angels. I’m here to offer help. I believe in rehabilitation, not punitive punishment. Fortunately, the solution here is simple. The Angels just need to infuse some new blood into the roster. They need personnel who are guaranteed to care and I just so happen to know some free agents who can do just that:
You’re welcome, Angels fans.