When it comes to solving the Angels’ quest for starting pitching help, I am pretty close to raising the white flag. The trade market has been scoured and picked through and the free agency pool has run drier than a Death Valley swimming pool. Unless Brad Penny decides that he wants to continue to get beat up in the American League rather than seek asylum in the pitcher-friendly National League, the Angels have almost no chance of adding a veteran arm to the staff. Still, the Angels have an open 40-man roster spot and less than four days to fill and still have the player be post-season eligible. That is going to take some real creative maneuvering from the Angel front office, but I think I might be able to help them with a few off the wall ideas that are so crazy that they might just work:
- Kidnap Roy Halladay. Since J.P. Ricciardi is clearly too mentally disabled to pull the trigger on a good deal even when it is slapping him right in the face (which is probably what all Angel fans want to do), the Angels should just take Roy Halladay by force. They can either just sneak up to Toronto and throw him in the back of the van, or they could go the Cuban baseball player route and have him sneak out of the hotel next time he is in the United States and seek political asylum so he can defect to America and join the Angels. I’ll even volunteer to be his coyote if need be.
- Pull the old switcheroo with Aroldis Chapman. Speaking of defections, Cuban fireballer Aroldis Chapman recently defected from Cuba and should soon be made available to sign in the major leagues. I say the Angels should get a jump start on the process and bring Chapman and his 102 mph fastball on board now. Since there are little details like “federal law” standing in their way, they’ll have to replace one of the farmhands with Chapman. Certainly nobody would notice if the Halos called up Brad Knox from Triple-A only he is suddenly left-handed, Latino and throwing 102 mph.
- Have Ervin Santana change his name again. Ervin Santana’s name at birth was actually Johan. Why not have him change his name back? Now that the “original” Johan Santana is out for the season with an arm injury, maybe their is some mystical element out there that he can harness since there must be a dominant pitcher named Johan Santana in the league at all time. Magic is real right?
- What does Chuck Finley have left? The former Mr. Tawny Kitaen will be inducted to into the Angel Hall of Fame tonight, but maybe he has something left in the tank. The guy is only 46 years old, which is young if you look at how long other southpaw starters like Randy Johnson and Jamie Moyer have hung around. At the least Chuckles’ arm is fresh. Why not have a him throw a bullpen session before the induction ceremony just to see if he still has the same electric stuff?
- Robots. In a day and age where James Cameron has officially replaced actors with computer-generated beings, surely someone could build the Angels a pitching robot that looks real enough to pass for human for a few weeks. Technically using a robot pitcher would be cheating, but at least it isn’t steroids right?
What do you mean Brad Knox isn’t Cuban?
Somebody get that android a uniform!