As per annual tradition in Major League Baseball, each team ends the season by having each player conduct an exit interview with his manager. Never ones to buck tradition, the Angels have already gone through the same process. After such a rollercoaster ride of a season, the Angel players surely had some interesting thinks to talk about with the respected manager, Mike Scioscia. Lucky for you, as always, Monkey With a Halo had secret cameras on hand in Scioscia’s office to record those exit interviews so that we could present you with some of the most interesting excerpts from those interviews. Let’s see what everyone had to say:
Step on into Scioscia’s office for a little chat, won’t you?
Jeff Mathis
(Scioscia and Mathis are locked in a tight, tearful embrace)
Scioscia: Why can’t I quit you?
Fernando Rodney
(Scioscia staring angrily for fifteen minutes)
Rodney: I’ll just show myself out.
Hank Conger
Scioscia: I don’t know what else to tell you, Mike. We just really need you keep working on your defense. I like your bat, but I just can’t have you behind the plate until you clean up your receiving and throw, Mike.
Conger: How many times do I have to tell you? My name is HANK CONGER. Stop calling me Mike Napoli!!!!!!!!
Russell Branyan
Scioscia: (Staring quizically) I’m sorry… Rusty, was it?
Branyan: Russell.
Scioscia: Russell, right! So, you’re telling me you’ve been on the team almost the entire season.
Branyan: That’s right.
Scioscia: Huh. I just… I swear, I’ve never met you before in my life.
Branyan: Nope, on the team since late May.
Scioscia: Not ringing a bell. That’s too bad too. We really could have used a big strong guy like you. This team really needed some left-handed power. Too bad.
Branyan: (Assuming the facepalm position)
Rich Thompson
Thompson: Did I do something to offend you?
Scioscia: No.
Thompson: Were my numbers not good enough?
Scioscia: No.
Thompson: Do you have something against Australians?
Scioscia: No, well… Yeah, let’s just leave it at no.
Thompson: Then why do you NEVER USE ME?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Jered Weaver
Scioscia: Again, Jered. Real sorry about scratching your final start. I know you only needed four outs to get it, but it just didn’t seem- You definitely signed the contract extension, right?
Weaver: For the twentieth time, yes.
Scioscia: Good. Good.
Vernon Wells
Scioscia: Please opt out of your contract.
Wells: No.
Scioscia: Yes.
Wells: No.
Scioscia: Yes.
Wells: No.
Scioscia: Yes.
Wells: No.
Scioscia: Yes.
Wells: No.
Scioscia: No.
Wells: Yes.
Scioscia: Ha! You said yes!! No takebacks!!! I have it on tape.
Mark Trumbo
Scioscia: Really, Mark, we couldn’t happier about the season you had. Don’t change a thing.
Trumbo: Thanks, skip. It really is a dream come true. I- I just can’t shake one thing. Everyone keeps ragging on me because of my OBP.
Scioscia: Huh? What is this O-B-P you speak of?
Trumbo: On-base percentage, coach.
Scioscia: Sorry, never heard of it.
Maicer Izturis
Izturis: See, Sosh! I told you I could do it. Career highs of 122 games and 449 at-bats.
Scioscia: I’m proud of you, Maicer. High five, little buddy!
(Scioscia and Izturis slap hands)
Izturis: (crumpling to the ground in pain) My wrist! I think it’s broken!!!
Scioscia: (picks up the phone and dials) Dr. Yocum… Yeah, it’s Mike. It happened again.
Joel Pineiro
Scioscia: Thanks again for being such a loyal soldier and taking the temporary demotion to the bullpen in stride. That really set a great example for the youngsters.
Pineiro: No problem, coach. I’ve been down that road before. Anyway, I’m just glad I got back on track right at the end there. I can’t wait to take the bump for you again next year. Assuming you re-sign me, of course.
Scioscia: Yeah, about that…
Dan Haren
Scioscia: Great season, Danny. At least we can say that idiot Reagins did one thing right.
Hisanori Takahashi
Scioscia: First Speier. Then Rodney. Now you. Why didn’t I tell Arte to fire Reagins sooner? It is like the guy has a fetish for over-priced, overrated middle relievers.
Torii Hunter
Hunter: I’m getting too old for this shit. Can we please do something, ANYTHING, to get me some help?
Bobby Wilson
Scioscia: Bobby, we need to talk. You know I like your defense, right?
Wilson: Sure, coach.
Scioscia: Your .189 average though. It… it…
Wilson: It… what?
Scioscia: It… is just what we are looking for! Don’t tell Jeff, but your going to take his spot next season. I mean, how could I possibly turn down such a substantial offensive improvement?
Jordan Walden
Scioscia: Now repeat after me, Jordan. I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, I can close games against the Rangers!
Ervin Santana
Scioscia: I still don’t get it. You threw a no-hitter and Mathis wasn’t behind the plate. It just doesn’t add up. Was he sending you signals from the dugout or something? That has to be it, right? Right? Yeah, that has to be it.
Peter Bourjos
Scioscia: You might be the finest defensive center fielder I’ve seen. Even better than Darin Erstad even.
Bourjos: Wow, thank you. That’s great praise coming from you.
Scioscia: No problem. Happy to have you on board. So, looking forward to playing first base next season?
Bourjos: WHAT?!?!?!
Erick Aybar
Aybar: I’m just glad that I was able to finish the season strong, you know. Especially after how tough 2010 was. Maybe next year- Why do you have a folder full of Jose Reyes scouting reports on your desk?
Scioscia: (Quickly hiding the folder in hsi desk) Uh, I don’t know what your talking about. That was nothing. These aren’t the droids you are looking for.
Scott Downs
Scioscia: See you in February, Scott. Oh, and I never thought I would have to say this but, please try not let your small children injure you again.
Bobby Cassevah
Cassevah: Not that I’m complaining, but how the heck did I end up as the team’s top righty setup guy?
Scioscia: Because your gritty and I like you and… ah, heck, who am I kidding. You were the only option I had left.
Alberto Callaspo
Callaspo: Wow, did you see the game Adrian Beltre had to close out the ALDS. Pretty impressive.
Scioscia: Yeah, I noticed. Trust me, I noticed. Everyone noticed.
Howie Kendrick
Kendrick: One last question before I go. Is there any new positions you want me to start practicing at or are you just going to randomly decide to have me play catcher or something with no warning next year?
Bobby Abreu
Scioscia: Look, you and I both know there just isn’t going to be many at-bats available for you next year. So, how do you feel about becoming the league’s highest paid unofficial hitting coach?