The Angels bandwagon is filling up fast now that the Halos have shocked the world by signing Albert Pujols and C.J. Wilson. At first, I thought I would rail against this and tell the bandwagoners to shove off, but that would be nothing more than an exercise in futility. After all, there is a reason Southern California fans have the bad stereotype of jumping on every bandwagon that crosses their path. Sorry, folks, but you know it is true.
So, instead of screaming into the night about the evils of bandwagoners, I’m going to try and help them out. I’m not happy about it, but if we diehard lifer Angel fans have to put up with the newcomers, the least we can do is educate them so that they don’t look so obvious. As such, here is a quick reference guide for everyone leaping on the big red bandwagon to take note of. Please, I beg of you true fans, pass it on:
Why fight it? You can’t stop Los Angelenos from jumping aboard a bandwagon. The more the merrier!
- That brand new bright red Angels hat you just bought? Go ahead and run over it with your car a few times so it isn’t so obvious that you got it as an early Christmas gift this year.
- Jeff Mathis. He’s not on the team anymore, but you detest his very existence.
- If anything goes wrong, just blame it on Tony Reagins. No explanation necessary.
- When you attend a game at Angel Stadium, you are going to actually have to pay attention to the game. This isn’t Dodger Stadium where it is OK to talk and/or text on your iPhone the whole time.
- Hate on the Rangers with a fiery passion that consumes your soul.
- Dislike the Athletics, but know that they aren’t much more than nuisance. Like a mosquito buzzing around your ear. Give it a swat and it will go away for a little while.
- Pity the Mariners because, come on, they’re the Mariners.
- Mike Scioscia is a tremendous manager, but you are now obligated to bitch about his lineup construction at least twice per week.
- You can’t like the Angels AND the Dodgers. It just isn’t allowed. Violators will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
- If someone tries to explain to you how the Pujols contract is going to eventually cripple the team, no matter how logical and rational that explantion might be, just stick your fingers in your ears and yell “LA LA LA! I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!!”
- The Rally Monkey is a necessary evil, sorry. So is the whole “of Anaheim” thing. You’re just going to have to deal with it.
- This might be my own personal bias shining through, but I would really appreciate it if you would study up on the virtues of OBP.
- If anyone EVER says anything bad about Tim Salmon or Darin Erstad you have only one option, punch them right in the junk.
- If anyone EVER says anything bad about John Lackey or Jose Guillen, nod along in knowing agreement.
- I can’t believe I need to say this, but since a lot of you are going to be converted Dodgers fans, please do not beat opposing fans into a coma in the parking lot. Thank you for your cooperation.
Follow these basic tenets, and you should fit in just fine.
EDITOR’S UPDATE- Here are a few more additions based on reader feedback
- No pink hats. No exceptions.
- If anyone ever asks about the 1986 and 1995 seasons, just tell them we were all on vacation. WE WERE ALL ON VACATION!
- When it comes to the Red Sox, hate isn’t a strong enough word.