Vernon WellsSo, apparently making up Vernon Wells is a thing now.  If you checked out the Halo Headlines this morning, you were treated to not one but two different stories from respected(?) national reporters who both suggested that the Angels could find a taker for Vernon Wells at the trade deadline.  This is, in a word, laughable because:

  • Vernon Wells has the worst contract in baseball.
  • Vernon Wells is currently injured and won’t be back in time to play enough to “show that he’s back.”
  • Vernon Wells has been terrible for over a season and thus unlikely to ever “be back.”
  • Vernon Wells’ name is synonmous with one of the worst trades of all time that essentially got Tony Reagins fired.  Any GM trading for Wells would be taking on a radioactive asset and immediately subject himself and his ballclub to intense criticism and scorn.
  • Vernon Wells.

Those well-known facts should be enough to convince a rational person that Wells isn’t going anywhere, yet we still had the speculation arise.  This I cannot abide.  So, just to make sure we are all clear on how unlikely it is that Vernon Wells will NOT be traded before this coming trade deadline, I present to you a brief and incomplete list of things that are all more likely to happen than a Wells trade:

#1 – Jeff Mathis winning the Triple Crown
#33 – An Adam Sandler movie being nominated for Best Picture 
#74 – Mike Trout not winning AL Rookie of the Year
#90 – O.J. Simpson admitting that he framed Jerry Sandusky and was also the second gunman on the grassy knoll
#112 – Albert Pujols revealing his true birth certificate and turning out to be just 26 years old
#113 – Barack Obama revealing his true birth certificate and turning out to be Albert Pujols and 24 years old and born in Skokie, Illinois
#199 – One of the other writers for this site actually formatting a Game Preview or Game Recap article the way I told them to
#241 – Lindsay Lohan being named the next Pope
#475 – Someone sincerely says, “Sure, Mr. Travolta, I would love to give you a private massage.”
#883 – Mike Scioscia uses the same lineup everyday for an entire week
#1,349 – My wife actually convinces me to go see Magic Mike with her
#3,601 – Commentators on a political talk show have a calm, reasoned and constructive debate about the Presidential race
#7,272 – Mark Trumbo wins five straight Gold Gloves at third base
#15,008 – Me, Kate Upton, a mix tape of slow jams, an ice sculpture of a river otter and 90 minutes of pure passion
#29,555 – Five words: Bartolo Colon, Sexiest Man Alive

Bartolo Colon ugly