Greetings, class. As you all know, the first quarter of the baseball school year is in the books. I know how excited we all are that the class has performed so well as a whole, but I am the teacher and I am contractually obligated to hand out your individual report cards. Take a seat everyone, it is grading time!
This is the best Hollywood could do when casting a movie about a “hot” teacher? I mean, I guess she’s good enough for a blog post, but a whole movie?
Alexi Amarista: Alexi is short on experience but seems to fit in nicely with the rest of the class. He has only had a tiny amount of opportunities to contribute because he keeps getting overlooked, but I think this is just because he is below everyone’s line of sight. Grade = Incomplete
Erick Aybar: I can’t tell you happy I am to see the immense progress Erick has made this season. He had a very rough year last year, but I can tell he has rededicated himself to his studies and the results have been evident in his classwork. Grade = A-
Trevor Bell: Trevor joined the class late and seems content to sit in the back of the room. Expectations were not high for him this school year, but I hope that he at least does what he can to stay prepared should he be called on to participate. Grade = Incomplete
Peter Bourjos: It is obvious Peter is learning to take advantage of his speed in class and the results have been very encouraging so far. As good as his marks have been, I’d like to see him spending some more time rounding out the rest of his skillset. Grade = B+
Jason Bulger: You may have heard some rumors about control problems amongst a group of buys that call themselves the Blowpen. Jason may not have been the worst offender, but he needed to be made an example of. Grade = EXPELLED
Alberto Callaspo: No student has been a more pleasant surprise this year. We all know how unpopular Alberto was when he first transferred last season, but he has taken full advantage of all the opportunities given to him and is truly flourishing and making himself an invaluable part of the class. I dare say, if Alberto keeps this up, he might be in the running for valedictorian. Grade = A
Tyler Chatwood: It was a tough decision for the school to let Tyler skip a grade, but I think the risk has been worth it so far. He isn’t exactly a top student, but given the expectations for this youngster, I think he is at least holding his own. Grade = B-
Hank Conger: I’m as shocked as anyone to see Hank even in this grade right now. I though for sure that Principal Scioscia was dead set on not giving him a chance, but Hank really gave him no other choice. At a minimum, Conger receives high points for determination and resiliency. Grade = B+
Scott Downs: Scott missed a lot of class time due to health problems, so I’m not totally sure I have a real grasp on what he is capable of, but given his track record, I think he is going to be just fine. Grade = B+
Dan Haren: I’m not sure which impresses me more about Danny: his stellar performance in class or the fact that he has not lost his composure in the face of his classmates giving him almost not support. Grade = A+
Torii Hunter: Mr. and Mrs. Hunter, this is hard to say. Torii has been one of the best and most beloved students in the class for years now, but I think he needs a little personal time. With some of the other more prominent students struggling this year, Torii seems to be putting too much pressure on himself to make up for their absence. There is still plenty of time for him to salvage this year, but if he doesn’t learn to relax, I’m not sure I’m going to be able to give him a passing grade on his finals. Grade = D+
Maicer Izturis: Forever a teacher’s pet, Maicer Izturis keeps on endearing himself to the faculty. He’s literally done everything he’s been asked of so far this year. Any subject, any desk in the classroom, Maicer aces it. The only thing I would ask him to improve upon is voicing his opinion about how the rest of the class perceives his injury problems. That just isn’t productive conversation, plus he is completely wrong about it. Grade = A+
Kevin Jepsen: Look, we all know what happened during the “intentional walk” situation and I am going to do what I can to try and put that unfortunate incident behind us, but Kevin is really going to have to step up to make that happen. I want to believe in Jepsen’s potential, but he is truly wearing out my patience. Grade = F
Scott Kazmir: Do the words “double secret probation” mean anything to you? Grade = F
Howie Kendrick: We’ve all thought for a long time that Howie has been capable of this kind of performance and none of us could be more proud of him now that he has achieved it. Not to rain on the parade now, but the next step for Howie is keeping it going all year long. I don’t mean to be hard on him, I just want to push him toward his full potential. He definitely earns extra credit for taking on some unusual fielding tasks that we put to him pop quiz-style. Grade = A+
Michael Kohn: I’m still not totally sure what went so wrong for Michael so fast, but we really had no choice but to take disciplinary action. Once he proves that he has put his troubles behind him, I will be willing to consider reinstating him. Grade = SUSPENDED
Jeff Mathis: I didn’t think it was possible for Jeff to have a harder time than he had last season, but his futility never seems to surprise me. I’ll be perfectly blunt here, if it was up to me, Jeff would’ve been expelled ages ago but Principal Scioscia won’t allow it. Grade = F
Matt Palmer: We appreciate the effort Matt gave the class, but the fact of the matter is that he just isn’t our kind of material. In fact, I’m not entirely certain how he passed the admissions test in the first place. Grade = D+
Chris Pettit: Chris, we hardly knew ye. There is definitely some promise here, but Chris just isn’t ready for this grade right now. Grade = Incomplete
Joel Pineiro: Joel got a late start to the school year, but he has been making up for lost time since he rejoined us. He has definitely exceeded expectations thus far, but I do need to grade him down a little bit for his tardiness. Grade = B+
Fernando Rodney: I really want to believe that Fernando is just having a hard time grasping the course material this year, but he has been erratic that I am starting to wonder if he is acting out on purpose. At a minimum, he seems to have let his already inconsistent focus waver even more this year now that he has lost the election for Class Closer. Grade = F
Francisco Rodriguez: Whenever I grade Francisco’s work, I can’t help but ask, “what does he bring to the table?” The problem is that I can’t answer that question. He doesn’t do anything particularly well, but he isn’t a bad student either. Grade = C-
Ervin Santana: Grading Ervin might have been the toughest task I had this quarter. When I watch him work, he looks very good, maybe not honor roll material, but definitely a strong student. However, when he gets tested, the grades just aren’t there. I know that he knows the answers. I think he knows he knows the answers, but it just isn’t translating to his actual coursework. Grade = C
Hisanori Takahashi: I don’t want to lay all the blame on Hisanori for this, but I am giving strong consideration to canceling our foreign exchange program with Japan. Grade = F
Rich Thompson: Talk about a late-bloomer. Rich seems to have finally found a comfort zone in the classroom and finally appears ready to hang with the rest of the students. It is very easy to get excited about his newfound success, but I must suggest we take this cautiously as it appears Rich could have a little trouble working under pressure. Grade = A-
Mark Trumbo: I’m grading on a curve here a little bit sense this is Trumbo’s first year at a school of this academic level, but there is real signs of promise in Mark. He probably won’t ever be head of the class material, but if he majors in Power, he could make a name for himself. What I want to see from him though is a lot more study time spent on his Patience classwork. Grade = B-
Jordan Walden: Another one of the many young up and comers at our school, Jordan might be the cream of the crop. He entered the semester with lofty expecations and has not disappointed. If anything, he has blown those expectations away and taken a seat on the class council as our Closer after the incumbent was forced out. As with most first-year students, Jordan has had his bouts of shakiness, but he has managed those incidents with poise and resiliency. Grade = A
Jered Weaver: We all know about the rave reviews that Jered has garnered both inside and outside this school so far this year. I have nothing to add to all of that praise other than I do hope Jered is willing to accept our offers of a long-term scholarship so that he can continue his studies here for as long as he sees fit. Grade = A+
Vernon Wells: Excuses, excuses, excuses. That’s all I seem to hear about Vernon. To be fair, the excuses aren’t really coming directly from him, but they are still a nuisance to me nonetheless. I’m ok with the fact that Mr. Wells hasn’t turned out to be the star pupil we were promised when he transferred to our fine institution, but his performance has been simply inexcusable, no matter what the excuse is. My only hope for him is that he has shown some signs of finally coming around, but that was before he had to take some absences due to injury. I will do my best to be fair with him when he returns, but I will have a very short leash and will not tolerate any more excuses. Grade = F
Reggie Willits: It is pretty clear by now that Reggie is barely hanging on academically, but he’s been hanging around the class so long, nobody has the heart to tell him. Maybe he can become the team mascot? Grade = Incomplete
Bobby Wilson: Wait, Bobby is still in the class? I had no idea! I really need to start doing morning roll call again. Grade = Incomplete
Brandon Wood: I apologize to Brandon and his family that this school just couldn’t meet his needs. Clearly he was never going to be in a position to succeed here, so I do think his transfer to that school in Pittsburgh is really in his best interest. Grade = TRANSFERRED